“Some glad morning when this life is over, I’ll fly away…” I’ve sang this song to myself often in recent history. It reminds me that this life is temporary. It also helps fight any doubt of an after life. Nothing is really certain about life after death. We may have heard another say or even said ourselves that we “know” there is a god and an after life, but even the most spiritual people doubt at times.
There was a period after my experience with cancer that I was tempted daily with the thought of ending my life. The physical and emotional pain I was experiencing was too much for me to want to deal with. The choice seemed rather simple: this world of pain or an after life with none. Something always stopped me from fulfilling these desires to leave this world. I believed I had a purpose. I can’t imagine meeting my creator and telling him, her, or it, “I know you had a plan for me and spared my life when I had developed a brain tumor, but I don’t want the life you gave me and you can have it back.” I also suspected this action would induce great pain in my loved ones. I’ve heard it said that a mother dies with her child when he or she kills him or herself. I didn’t want to leave my loved ones in this imperfect world without me. I suspected I was a burden to them, considering I was living with my mother, I had no form of income, and my recent bout with cancer left bills piling up.
Then my mother said something that might have saved my life. I was angered by it at the time, but it gave me sense of duty. She said that she needed to see me happy and feeling better and that I owed her this. I thought, “I owe you? I can’t pay that debt.” I gained strength from this thought. I slowly built the ability to pay my mother back. I slept less and eventually found work. I struggled with depression regularly, but kept my mother’s challenge and my debt to God in mind. My life wasn’t mine anymore. Then it clicked. It never was mine. My loved ones need to see me happy. They need me to survive to be a confidant in this less than perfect world. I know what it is like to loose someone. I know what it is like to have a loved one decide he doesn’t want to share this world with you anymore. I have witnessed the great pain an action like this causes. I won’t do that to my people.
To anyone out there who feels like they are done with this world: You owe me. You can’t leave if I have to stay here and I’m not going anywhere.