When I Stop Trying to Control It

Either this world was made for me or I was made by for it
Perfectly in my place, so easy to forget
Creating pain to paint with contrast to bliss
Blurring memory of all miraculous
As we breathe, and sleep, and hope, and dream, and be
Wonderful wonder of life alive, and perfectly me
I was made for all that I have known or will know
Every obstacle is another chance to help love grow
We were made to experience this splendor all around
A closer look sees seeds sprouting life out of the ground
Beautiful miracles in every breath we’re whole
Warm atoms sends a vibration tingling in my soul
When I stop trying to control it and just let it be
I am well enough for you to get back in the swing of things here

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Goodbye Love

Goodbye love
Goodbye love
Came to say Goodbye love
Goodbye
Just came to say goodbye love
Goodbye love

Most everyone here, I’ve met only once or twice. They loved her, but not like I do. On my knees, the wet grass is sure to stain my suit pants. The last time I wore this suit, was our wedding day. But I’m not thinking about the stains or our wedding. I’m focused on this gigantic hole in my heart, this empty, black space that was only so very recently filled. How can I go on without you? But to think of the future is not wise. Focus on the moment. Get through this. I’m not here. I’m disconnected. I can’t see straight. A steady stream of tears clouds my vision. It is cold today. You would’ve liked it. I squeeze bright green blades of grass between my fingers as I close my fist and I pull, collapsing onto my forearms. This, for some reason, reminds me of making love to you. I know I’ll never know that feeling again. The words of the song playing in my head are too real. I don’t want to say goodbye. I try to find the silver lining, some semireasonable twist as means to feeling okay. But all I can see in this moment is that emptiness in me. A kind pair of arms pulls me from the ground. Your mother’s face is red, her makeup running down her face. I’m reminded of your lipstick, how it never stayed in place for long. It was just as well. I couldn’t really kiss you when you were wearing it anyway. Oh, kissing you. It hurts so much just to imagine touching those lips with mine. Part of me still expects to go home and find you there waiting for me. But I haven’t been home in days. I don’t know if I can still call it home. It’s just an apartment without you. Goodbye love. Goodbye love. I just came to say goodbye love. Goodbye. You were, you are so perfect for me, my other half. I will find you again. Au revoir. Goodbye until we meet again.

Phoenix

When she looks back, she sees stale dreams caught in the rearview
Never the life she wanted
So hurt now, everyone is suspect
I hate you, Please don’t leave
She thinks I’m angry because she is
She begs for stability and then tears it apart
Please don’t ask me to forgive you
Because you know I will
So easy to leave the Band-Aid stuck
And watch infection spread
You know you are inside of me
And I know healing will hurt
Is it better to speak or die?
To let a dream or myself cease
I’ve said it’s not living if it’s not with you
But this is killing me too
Playing with fire I thought was mine
But we can’t keep a phoenix caged
For the love of Magnolia and for the love of Pi
I hope I find the strength to send this bird back into the air

Metsaema

I’ve lived here all my life
You make it feel like home
Who knew she held my wife
A pairing chromozone
Knew names for these colors
But never understood
Life of the light within
Open eyes feel so good
The mundane seems so new
A child’s iris sees
She will give me pupils
A magnolia tree
Your pain
Your ecstasy
I take it all into me
Your love
Your insecurity
I will not let you fall
Metsaema
Now you can sing off key
That voice could do no wrong
It sounds lovely to me
We’re painting our own song
The sky is of interest
Now because we can fly
Wings borrowed from angels
I’ve never felt this high
Passing over structures
I’ve known since I was nine
Looking down, my home town
Until now was not mine
Your pain
Your ecstasy
I take it all into me
Your love
Your insecurity
I will not let you fall
Your fear
Your bravery
Are now all a part of me
Complete
Now finally
In you, I found it all
Metsaema