Preparing For an Inevitable Fall

Older now
Echoes of fleeting chemicals
Familiar shell left from the speeding machine
Barely holding together
And it hurts because it’s sweet
And it’s raw because it’s worn
Standing on the edge of an all too familiar chasm
And it will break me to have to fall again
Can’t let go
Can’t fall down
Wings don’t work
Pinned to my side, we’re just too old now
And that bright red light grows inside
That familiar system of connection
Oh, the break’s separation
The drug of my addiction on the other side
And it cracks my ribs, stirring new wounds
And it’s right until it’s ripped away.
Can’t let go
Can’t fall down
Wings don’t work
Pinned to my side, we’re just too old now
Where the void once split our bed in two
My feet cemented to my side
These scars all look like imprints of you
But I refuse to believe I cannot fly
One last breath
Tears stream down my face
Repeating quietly to myself, “No fear. Just love”
And if the wind’s right
I will fly again

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Head Fiction: Give Me some Water

This post is one of a series I’ve been calling “Head Fiction”. In this series, the first part of a post is true to a real life experience. The last is how I painted the scene’s continuation after reflecting on it.
(Real interaction between a young man and me outside my place of work this past week)
“Give me some water!”
“These aren’t for you. There is water inside.”
Getting in my face:
“Give me some water!!!”
Standing between me and the door inside:
“Give me some water!”
“I can’t. This isn’t for you.”
“Give me some water!!”
(What happened after in my head)
“Why do you need me to give you this water?”
“I need to prove I’m cool. It is cool to take what I want via intimidation. Your submission to me affirms that you fear me. Fear equals power. Power means more resources. More resources means never having to go without. I live in a society motivated by fear. In a society motivated by fear, it is good to be scary. Being scary means I have nothing to fear. I’m not interested in meaningful relationships. Meaningful relationships require me to be vulnerable. But sex is good. Sex shows I am desirable. Being desirable gives me power. Selling drugs puts me in a place of power. I have what others want. Selling drugs gives me money. Money gives me power. Selling drugs is preferable to working for a living. Working for a living takes my power and gives it to my supervisor. I am my own boss. This makes me desirable and gives me power. I reject societies values. This rejection means I can do whatever I want. This gives me power. I find safety in alliances. Alliances make me less vulnerable and give me power. I talk big and back it up. This and the numbers in my alliances tells others they should fear me. It is good that others fear me. Better that than I fear them.”

Darwin and Money

In the world in which we live, competition is a requirement for most to survive. As resources are finite, it may prove beneficial for individuals to claim resources for themselves. The “theory” of evolution teaches us that the strongest and most intelligent, the most capable specimen is the one which will produce offspring. As a result, selfish behavior is systematically rewarded. While such a system would seem to benefit the species as a whole, causing the next generation to be the products of only the most capable of claiming resources for themselves, we, as a species, have developed systems to provide for the weaker of our herd, insuring that their offspring may live to one day reproduce. Food Stamps, Medicaid, Social Security Income, all work to sustain the weaker of our herd. And why? We know such systems are detrimental to the advancement of our species. We know that to let the week die off will be beneficial to the next generation. The answer is simple. As much as logic would seem to dictate so much of our actions, we are emotional beings as well. Those damn mirror neurons cause empathy and we can’t help but feel pain for the weaker of our herd. As much as empathy may weigh on our motivation to act, the instinct to preserve our own lives, to preserve the lives of ones we love, often wins out over empathy for a stranger. This internal conflict may explain why we tend to try to look past homeless individuals. We don’t want to see their pain, because that makes us feel pain. but we can’t alleviate the pain, because our desires to take care of ourselves are stronger. So we take what we can, keeping as much for ourselves as possible, so that we never have to fear being without. We become numb to the suffering of others as a result of this drive to care for ourselves and become complacent, believing we somehow deserve this lack of pain more than those without the means to alleviate their own pain: “Should I buy another Cadillac? Why not? I’ve earned it.”. It is this culture of “Mine” that has to end. If the money in your bank account is not yours, but ours, we will never go hungry. We know where this idea of possession comes from. It is the product of this competition still prevalent in our society, this remnant of our need to fight to survive. All it would take would be a switch in the collective conscious, a move from being motivated by a fear of going without to being motivated by the desire to see no one go without.

Ant Farm

I have an ant farm in my bedroom. I give them food and water – everything they need to live. Still, they would seem to not even know I exist. I love them, but need them to love me. If they don’t love me, I will punish them. I have a magnifying glass. I will torture them. I have to. Someone has to feel pain. If not them then my son. Yes, if I throw the ants on my son, causing them to bite him mercilessly, then I won’t have to punish them for not loving me.